14 March 2007

Lance Briggs: "I'm A Huge Douche Tool"

Dear Lance,

So you didn't get the long-term deal for insane dollars that you really wanted. No, make that deserved.

Of course you deserved it. Every weak-side linebacker with no pass-rush skills and a fragile ego deserves to make huge bucks over the long haul.

But the Bears kept their word and instead offered you franchise player status, which guarantees you a salary next year of $7,000,000 plus, AND free agency after that year. Well. We all know how Lance Briggs, CEO of Lance Briggs, Inc., rolls! He won't stand for it! A slap in the face, is what that is!

That's right. Lance Briggs, CEO of Lance Briggs, Inc., you are being dis-respected with a crap-ola salary like that. I don't care if it is the average of the top 5 salaries at your position! You are Lance Briggs, NPRWLWPNBLAIBHF! (Non-Pass-Rushing Weakside Linebacker Who Plays Next to Brian Urlacher, And Is Intimidated By His Fame). And you will be respected.

Even if it means you sit on your butt all next season and everybody forgets who you are.

Yes, this strategy is flawless. Why, remember what happened with Todd Bell and Al Harris on the '85 Bears. Mmm, no, scratch that, not a good example. Well, never mind, I'm quite sure it will be a win/win for you, Lance!

After all, bottom line, we know what it's all about. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. No, not the kind of respect that comes with competing in the Super Bowl, as a team; what good is that, compared to the props from the boyzzz on SportsCenter! Or is it actually the greenbacks that you're after? FYI, either answer is the wrong one.

Speaking for fans everywhere, if I might, I'd like to thank you for finally giving us a glimpse into the real Lance Briggs, CEO of Lance Briggs, Inc. I believe I've seen enough now, can you turn off the light? Quickly, please?

Might also want to re-evaluate your agent. He's either making you look like a douche tool, in which case, fire his ass, or you already were one, and he's just helping you show that side to the world. In which case, please go away, both of you, now.

Sincerely,
Rufus M